Because Reasons

The first day of detox went pretty well. I filled in the empty spaces by reading blogs, watching My Kitchen Rules, a short run (walk) and some cooking. As I was running, I had a thought; why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we intentionally put ourselves through pain and discomfort, work up a sweat and push our minds through hardship? We do it to make ourselves physically and mentally stronger. There is no easy way to become better. (Also, since when did it get dark so quickly?)

I started thinking about why YouTube had become an addiction in the first place. Why it had so alarmingly taken over my life to the point where I can't couldn't imagine my life without it. There are two main reasons I can think of today.

When I was a kid, we would get home from an outing, and the first thing I would do was grab the remote control and turn on the TV. Then I would go about doing whatever I wanted, because I was a kid, and it was epic. Mum would tell me off for turning the TV on and not watching it but I couldn't help it. I needed the background noise. I think part of my anxiety stems from a house being too quiet. I don't like to feel alone and the majority of videos I watch are those with people explaining things or talking to the camera. It's like having a one sided conversation but you're glad for the company regardless. I've talked before about my emotions when I'm alone, and having YouTube on helps alleviate that stress.

When I'm watching, I am the person in control. These amazing YouTubers create all this content and I get to sit back and critique them in my head. 0% effort and all the reward of being able to judge someone silently. Most of the time I admire these people who put so much effort into producing these videos. It takes bravery to create something and put it out there in the world, for it to be judged and rated. A kind of bravery I haven't quite mastered yet. The safety is appealing. The fear of creating something that can so easily be torn down precipitates itself in the form of procrastination. But to create something and struggle through the process is much more magical than simply letting the potential slip by. It's the potential that's exciting. I hope by the end of this challenge, I'll be able to face the potential head on.

Finally, I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to create. To have the time, space and the resources is a precious and fleeting gift. One that should not be squandered away, but instead be given the respect and attention worthy of it. Addictions may come and go, but these sorts of opportunities need to be taken at every intersection possible.

Yours Sincerely,

Jen

PS. Thank you to Alex for inspiration for this blog post! I was lacking coherence of what to write but you gave me a clear directive.